Having been immersed in Second Life for over six months since last August, I've been surprised at the kinds of relationships (and their intensity) that develop on it. I'm going to comment a little about what I've observed. I've been meaning to write this blog entry for some time.
Second Life is an online 3-D world "imagined, created, and owned by its residents". Run by Linden Labs in California, this continent of over 3 million users has developed in a free-form manner. Everything you see in the game outside of the land you're walking on was created by another user just like yourself. Importantly, unlike an online game like WoW (World of Warcraft), Second Life has no end goal, so it's much more like a parallel or alternate reality. Game isn't the right word for it. It's whatever you want it to be - whether your interest is running an online shop, roleplaying, putting on a live concert, hanging out in clubs and socializing, war games, deviant sex, being a real estate baron, or putting artworks up for display in a gallery.
Your first reactions upon entry are typically to feel completely overwhelmed, like you're at the bottom of a learning curve as steep as a cliff face, and as high as Mount Everest. Because it's so overwhelming, many people drop off after a few days, but those that make it past the first month tend to stick around. In the past there were sometimes severe slowdowns and technical issues, but those have mostly been surmounted in 2007. So far, at least.
I first started last August thanks to our very own George Dvorsky, who told me about SL at the 2006 World Future Society conference in Toronto, although he hadn't yet joined it himself! I didn't know anybody who was already in the game, so I went through a brutal isolated learning curve. Had I had a guide to help me out or people I knew in there, things would have gone a lot faster. Being a technophile though, I persisted on my own. These days, I make a point to help new people that hang out where I do to get up to speed so that they don't feel so overwhelmed and lost. It can shave days or weeks off the learning curve.
My first impressions of Second Life were awe, information overload, and confusion. I had honestly been dreaming of and waiting for this kind of virtual-reality-ish online world since I was a kid. It takes online social interactions to a whole new level, because it allows people to interact in three dimensions and include body language. As most of us are aware, body language, stance, style, and positioning of personal space comprise a huge segment of how we communicate with others in real life. As a result, I've noticed that people (myself included) often have emotional reactions in Second Life similar to what they'd experience in real life. Anyone who's played knows exactly what I'm talking about. At first it can be quite unnerving, to say the least. Your gut feelings and the ability to sense bad vibes from a person, which normally is restricted to first life, tends to work quite accurately in here too. It's just strange to feel all these emotions wash over you as you sit at a computer. In my years using text based instant messengers or emails, the emotional response was never at this level.
I soon found a club to hang out in (Club Industry) and then proceeded to try and drag some people I already knew from real life and an online community I'm a member of (The Spiral) into Second Life. This proved quite successful and there are dozens of people I know on there now. One Spiral member bought a virtual island called NINcropolis where many of us live and gather now. It's hard to enjoy the world if you don't have people to interact with in it, because socializing is a big part of Second Life. I've also met a handful of people in there that I've made great connections with that I didn't already know before I joined. I value them quite highly and they are incredibly articulate, intelligent, and interesting people of the sort I usually have a very, very hard time finding in real life. A quick hello to the ever-wonderful: Gideon (my first friend I made in SL), Lucifer, and AM. Lucifer and I were actually featured in a newspaper article about Second Life recently, which I'll link to at the end of this blog.
My initial impressions of Second Life turned out to be more than a little rosy and idealized as far as human interaction goes. I had it in my mind that this would be a utopia of sorts, and at first it seemed to be. There was no drama at all! What a nice change from the norm. Being a moderator of The Spiral, a large industrial rock group message board on the internet, I have seen and dealt with my share of nutcases and weirdos already, and didn't want to deal with any more of that elsewhere. As I mentioned, a group of regulars formed at NINcropolis, and a lot of us had quite a few things in common. We explored the world and tried out everything it had to offer. At first it was great, but then I noticed the negative features of real life were just as likely to happen here, and started to occur to some members in the group.
People started pairing off into couples, which I found a little odd, since I don't tend to invest my emotions into the Internet too much. That in itself wasn't really of much importance (to each their own), but unfortunately people vying and competing for each other sometimes resulted in ridiculous, unhealthy, levels of jealousy and possessiveness. A couple people I knew even ended up with online stalkers in the game. While the possessiveness tends to be more common in females, I've seen plenty of examples of it in the males as well. Frankly, I was astounded that people were taking it so seriously and investing that degree of emotions in this parallel online world. Many times I've wanted to give people a reality check, but I bit my tongue. It seemed I was one of the only people not experiencing all these interpersonal issues, but eventually I had some minor blips of my own on there. Thankfully they were minor in comparison to what others have gone through. My main issues have been: a) beefs about inconsistently applied and uncommunicated rules when people were banned from the private island I hang out at (see this amusing photo for a taste of the war), and b) surprise-surprise, a couple of guys I played around with in the game developed jealousy towards other males I also schmoozed with. One I ended up dropping like a hot potato (he started trying to play mind games extraordinaire to get a reaction out of me), and the others just learn to deal with their jealousy. I am very clear I'm not looking for a serious serious relationship/boyfriend in the world, but sometimes people just can't seem to help their emotions that crop up. Perhaps I'd be more interested in it if I didn't see so many people go off the deep end over online relationships. ;)
It gets even more unusual, though. A couple months ago, Gideon and I attended a Second Life wedding that a friend of his was having. Yes, I did say wedding. People actually get married to other people in the game and go through the entire ceremony, complete with reception, cake cutting, and dancing afterward. Both he and I were a little weirded out by that, as were several of my closer friends who've attended SL weddings. People who have known each other for a matter of weeks (or even just ONE week) have a bad habit of rushing head over heels into marriages in the game, and more often than not, end up breaking up. I just sit back and watch, wondering what's going on in their heads. Myself and others have noticed that it seems level-headed people are the minority in the game. If you can get in with folks who eschew drama, then you'll be ok though.
A person's age seems to have nothing to do with how immature and possessive they are in Second Life. Some of the worst cases of behaviour I've seen were individuals in their mid-30s or older. One of the least irritating, level-headed people I know on there is 18. Everyone's avatar tends to look like an idealized ageless person, and to be honest I don't suggest you put much weight into their real-life age. It has nothing to do with how well you'll get along. Second Life actually helped me get past some of the inadvertent age-ism I held within my heart. I've gotten to know people of all ages - we're all ageless in there, and it lets a person's true self show through. I suppose the only time it would matter is if you're one of the people who intends to take the relationships offline. From what I've heard, virtually every boyfriend-girlfriend relationship that migrates from SL to real life fails. Be forwarned - nobody can live up to how they look and come across in such a quasi-utopian world. I don't know why people think they would in the first place.
Relationships between people in the realm also tend to progress at warp speed, much faster than what would normally occur in real life. It's dizzying at times how quickly they can progress. As you can imagine, they sometimes fizzle just as quickly. Being a calm, laid-back person, I purposely take my time getting to know people. So far it has paid off and resulted in healthy, long-lasting friendships on there, rather than relationships based on some idealized, fast-moving, near-addiction to the online representation of another person.
Speaking of online representations of another person (as in avatars), people in Second Life will actually pay others for sex or stripping. Yeah, paying a cartoon to get naked sounds a bit odd, doesn't it? However, the avatars are such beautiful and idealized visions of people that perhaps it should not be too surprising. I have to admit I've tipped some guy friends money to kiss or make out with each other in there, but it was all in good fun. ;) Some people run serious prostitution businesses in there. Thanks to various add-ons one can have very realistic avatar hugging, kissing, cuddling, and sex in the world.
As a final note, there are generally two types of people in Second Life - those that take it (and the love relationships in it) as seriously as real life, and those who make a clear distinction and don't invest excess emotions in the game. It helps to know who you're dealing with. I find individuals in the former group tend to, on average, be far more prone to drama in the world.
That summarizes my experiences with Second Life relationships - the good, the bad, and the ugly. Frankly, it's just like real life set on blinding fast-forward. Arm yourself with common sense and a slower pace, and you'll do just fine. Hmmm, sounds a lot like real life, doesn't it?
Additional link:
Simon Smith's blog entry about Second Life.